Forget the fact the Oilers have missed the playoffs, I think most of us knew once we lost to Phoenix in the desert it was all but confirmed they didn’t belong to begin with. Anyone who visits this website knows I’ve vented enough talking about the Oilers as a team from it’s management, to it’s coaching staff, to the plugs on the ice. Quite frankly though I’m surprised I’ve never said anything about the idiots that occupy Rexall and keep paying these plugs there salary because honestly there are some real beauties amongst the 17 or so thousand each night.
Now because I know you all want to hear it, I’m going to give you my top ten “idiotic” hockey fans.
Number 1: “Shooooooooooooooooooot”
This is pretty much a given number 1. Anyone, and I mean ANYONE, who has played hockey knows the purpose of a powerplay. We all know that you’re given the man advantage to move the puck around to open up lanes to give a glorified scoring chance, what most these idiots think it’s for is to have your star player take a shot below the hash marks on the side boards or perhaps even wind up for that big slapper and drill it right into a defenders shin pads. Sadly when you’re the Edmonton Oilers you end up having no choice but to take these low percentage shots because you apparently lack the intelligence to try something else. Fun fact: When large women behind you begin yelling shoooooooot proceed to do the same with the exception of yelling it when your team has the puck in their defensive zone.
Number 2: “The Should of Been Superstar”
I personally LOVE listening to these ones, maybe it’s because I’ve told them to many times myself! At least I have the decency to keep it to a room full of underage girls unlike these guys. There is nothing more comical then listening to a guy tell his date about how his coach told him he was a mix of Bobby Orr and Chris Chelios (only better) in front of some odd 100 people. Make no bones about it, this guy wants to be heard because he talks loud enough so the other guys and girls sitting in his section know full well he is currently sitting 15th in team scoring on his local Junior C hockey club.
Number 3: “The Chatty Kathy”
I know what you’re thinking. This is all about the broad that never shuts up and pays attention to the game. You’re exactly right however, this label isn’t singled out to just women because I’ve heard a lot of guys run there yap all game long talking about trucks, women, etc. Please do us all a favor, If you’re going to make noise non stop for 2 and a half hours do so supporting the team, we don’t want to hear about how you caught the clap from some hooker you purchased on 96th street.
Number 4: “The I’m just here fan”
This one is a rare breed north of the border (I have spotted them though). In my adventures south of the border however I have managed to stumble across this rare species on more then one occasion. Once they were reading a book, another time doing a crossword, and more recently even knitting a sweater! If you ever do come across this rare and exotic beast proceed with caution…or better yet rip up whatever there doing similar to the “Terrace is Hockeyville“
Number 5: “The Wanna Be Puckbunny”
I shouldn’t be complaining about this one because I enjoy T and A like every other straight guy out there but where does one draw the line between looking good and looking for attention. Is it necessary to wear the shortest skirt possible and a cut off shirt to show your jumblies in the middle of a Canadian winter because you’re sitting front row? If you want to be an attention whore then flash yourself on the big screen. You’re a hoe and every guy loves it…point taken.
Number 6: “The Spilling Drunk”
I’m quite proud to say that in all the years I’ve attended games I’ve not once spilt on the people in front of me, sure many times on myself but that’s not what this is about. Its about the idiot who cant tell when he’s had enough and decides that even though he has 3 heroin beers under his seat he better get 2 more for the final twenty minutes. The home team is down 2 to 1 when all of a sudden they SCORE to tie it up which sends Spilly Drunk jumping out of his chair forgetting he has two full beers in his hand and ultimately two empty beers as he dumps it all over the girl sitting in front of him.
Number 7: “The Arrogant Tough Guy Drunk”
While this could technically fall in with the Spilly Drunk these guys often aren’t out of control in terms of pure stupidity. Instead there stupidity turns to anger which often leads to fights with rival fans or better yet pouring full beers on the people who are pissing them off.
Number 8: “Random Jersey Guy” as well as “Stupid Jersey Name Guy”
The Oilers and Flames are set to play another game in the historic battle of Alberta when low and behold Chicago Bulls Hall of Famer Michael Jordan appears in the crowd! The lineups for tonight include our starting defensemen “So Close #06″ and of course “You Suck #44″.
Number 9: “Mr. Negativity”
This is probably the category I fit into best this year but after watching this team get out shot, outhit, outworked, and most certainly out classed I had a right to be negative. Losing 7 games of the last 9 in a pivotal playoff stretch drive and having all your players deflect criticism thinking they played good enough to win is the talk of “losers!” Led by there loser coach and the rest of the loser organization these plugs never deserved to be amongst the final eight teams.
Negative enough for you?
and finally…
Number 10: “Mr. Know-it-all who knows nothing at all”
This list and this definition goes out to the guys sitting behind us tonight. I never heard but my fellow comrade Jmoe enlightened me that prior to the game one know-it-all was quoted as asking “Have you ever played hockey?” to which the other responded “Nope, never stepped foot on the ice”. Well you could have fooled me, the sheer brilliance coming out of your mouths tonight should of put you into the front running for head coach of the Edmonton Oilers. An example of many was our goalie playing the puck to a defensemen and Mr. know-it-all telling our section it was a bad rebound. Better yet was the bad decision to dump the puck in when his linemates were on a change and he was 1 against 5. Mr. Know-it-all full credit for pronouncing the words right at least, but next time use them in the right context. You may like hockey because you’re a fanboy of your local team but don’t for one second think you even can explain the difference between a 2-1-2 and a 1-2-2, it pains me to hear it.
Yes, these are all real experiences I’ve witnessed first hand through the 300 or so home games I’ve been a part of in Rexall. Please do tell if you think I’ve forgotten someone.
PS. Go Blackhawks!
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